We’re going away for a little while

This plea for help was attached to a common housebrick and thrown through our window this morning. We can’t ignore such a desperate figure so we’re off to do whatever we can.

(click to embiggen)

We’ll be back once this poor soul is either saved or put out of his misery. In the meantime if you’ve enjoyed this account, the work of Liz Jones in Somalia or the irate bombardments of PaulDacreDM then perhaps you’d vote for us the in the #fakeaccount category at the Shorty Awards.

It’s a relatively small field and if just 5% of you vote we’d stand a good chance at being able to write something positive in our bio. Click here to vote. Thank you.

Back soon.

DMReporter

Nominate The DM Reporter for a social media award in the Shorty Awards!Nominate The DM Reporter for a social media award in the Shorty Awards

Filthy Moozlims!

The Daily Mail has run two Muslim-centric news stories over the past couple of days that have provoked some very interesting reactions. I’m not so concerned with the articles themselves in this instance, but much more with the reader comments that have followed.

The first story is pretty much overwhelmingly positive.

So, dubious use of inverted commas in the headline aside, that’s a good story for British Muslims. Of course – were you to read the report you’d see that it is about pride in Britain in general and features statistical analysis of all members of our society – Christian, Hindu, male, female, gay, straight etc. I guess the Mail have focussed on Muslims because, well, shouldn’t we all be surprised that they like Britain? What with all the poppies they keep burning and everything…

A man could go seriously insane highlighting examples of the Mail cherry picking data though, so let’s move past that and look at the comments. Surely this positive story will resonate with the readers somewhat.

Top rated comment:

Hmmm. So it’s not that Muslims are more patriotic than most Brits – it’s actually their fault for driving down most Brits patriotism by their presence. Gotcha. Note how immediately there’s a distinction between being British and being Muslim; you can only be one or the other – not both. Note also how the connection between being Muslim, being foreign, being an immigrant, being a refugee and being here illegally is instantly made.

Right. Another top rated comment:

That’s amazing. Half the crowd at a cricket match didn’t support the home team. I guess all those Manchester United fans who don’t live in Manchester are traitors too.

Another:

Here’s the rub. Muslims are terrorists you see, and given the choice they’d happily support death and mayhem over their country – no matter what they may claim in polls.

Another:

Well that’s cleared that up. It’s a plot to undermine the country.

Wait. No. Sorry. It’s all lies. Do I need to continue?

The overwhelming ‘positive’ response is that it’s lies and propaganda – as evidenced by personal experience and, well, general assumption. This is my favourite:

It can’t be true because I gone done heard something different. Where did I hear that?

Remember – these are the highly rated comments. I can’t imagine how inflammatory the worst rated comments must be:
210 people do not want to see positive news stories about Muslims. 193 people think it right that someone born in this country is still regarded as an outsider because of their religion. Breathtaking and, I might add, not very British.

The second story featuring Muslims is not really about Muslims at all, it’s about local councils.Those inverted commas have made a return. It’s not quite a quote, it’s not quite a phrase.

This story is about a local council printing up leaflets encouraging Muslims to keep their neighbourhoods cleans which was regarded as potentially inflammatory and they were “binned” before being released to the public. A junior official came up with the idea but a senior official stopped them being released – if anything it’s a story about a council being culturally sensitive.

Top rated comment:How odd. I don’t remember reading anything about Muslims complaining, imposing their world view or spitting their dummy out – I also don’t recall reading anything about “the tables being turned” but I must have missed all that because 2227 people clearly did read that.

Second top rated comment:So now the Muslim are responsible for littering AND they’re being allowed to get away with it because they’re Muslim. If a non-Muslim tried that they’d probably be locked up by Tony Blair or a Marxist thinktank.

Third top rated comment:And now things start to get seriously dark. How has the story about cancelled pamphlets descended into accusations of Muslims being “filthy?” In a national newspaper? And 1349 people agreed. From here on in it’s a free-for-all.They’re all filthy, and foreigners, and here to steal benefits. Another:They’re filthy AND forcing rent prices up. Another:They’re ruining the city with their filth. I particularly like how this reader is annoyed their previous comment wasn’t allowed, so they’ve incrementally reduced the level of accusation in line with what is acceptable. Another:Muslims are so filthy they leave shit in car parks. Another:They’re so dirty they’re bringing back TB.Muslim aren’t British. They’ve destroyed Bradford so much it should be demolished.Muslims are a benefit stealing infestation.They are an invading army.Something tells me Roy from Aberdeenshire has never been to a Middle Eastern country.Even the bad behaviour of non-Muslims is the fault of Muslims.

Let’s be perfectly honest for a second -

This is insidious, aggressive, unfounded, hateful racist bullshit. And judging from the complaints contained within other comments a great deal of messages are being turned away – so these are the good ones.

I’m not saying these people don’t have a right to have their opinions, no matter how knuckle-draggingly retarded they may be – but these are approved comments from the 2nd most visited news website IN THE WORLD. The Mail may not agree with what their readers are saying but each time one of their moderators clicks ‘approve’ on a comment accusing Muslims of being “filthy” they are sending a clear message saying that this sort of comment is acceptable.

Let’s be absolutely fucking clear about this – no mainstream news organisation should ever approve this sort of utterly unfounded racist slander. Ever. Even the BNP word their arguments better than this. I don’t care how militantly rightwing the Mail readers are – the newspaper, it’s editor, publishers, moderators and advertisers have a duty of care not to encourage or support the spreading of hate against any group of people.“Abusive comments are not allowed.”

This is way beyond the usual middle-Englanders, NIMBYS and disgusted of Tunbridge Wells that the Mail encourages communication from. This is the deliberate spreading of hate-speak and by continuing to publish comments that defame nearly 3 million inhabitants of this country the Mail is sending a message that that is perfectly ok to do so.

This is also way beyond the usual cowardly remarks, sly insinuations and cleverly ‘worded’ sentences which make up much of the Mail’s reporting on Muslims, and it’s also the first time I’ve seen proper, overt, celebrated racist claims making their way into the comments section. Yes they’ve always been there, but never with this kind of vindictive levels of abuse before.

Considering the abuse that Muslims receive on a daily basis from newspapers I would say it is a testament to their community and sense of pride that they remain the most patriotic of all Britons. Then again, it’s all probably a plot.

Rebranding

Any graphic designers out there fancy a challenge? We are in need of a rebrand, and as you can tell from our logo it’s probably best if we don’t do it ourselves. We need something sufficiently Daily Mail to deserve a double take but just different enough so we don’t get sued.

Unpaid, apologies. But, with benefits. Comma.

Here is the brief: rebrand_commisison

If you’re interested, get in touch dailymailreporter*gmail.com

#tomorrowspaperstoday

Whenever possible we will now be leaking the next days DM front page via the  #tomorrowspaperstoday hashtag. They’re all available to see on our Twitpic page too.

This hashtag is hijacked entirely from Nick Sutton who does a very good job of collating the next days papers so it would be remiss of us not to credit him. Refresh his Twitpic page for the all the latest.

Richard Littlejohn is Sacked…

He’s out. He’s off the roll-call. His name shall no-longer being appearing on the hallowed pages of the DM Twitter feed. He may still crop up from time to time in *exciting new ventures* but for all intent and purposes he is queueing with the rest of the benefit scroungers.

He’s beyond parody – the man is quite literally unparodiable. Unlampoonable. Unsatiricalable. Those three made-up words have more depth and purpose than his entire career and, frankly, we’re sick of trying to beat him. Many argued that satire died the day Dean Gaffney had colonic irrigation on Channel 5, but if there was any life left then Littlejohn has now throttled it.

Reading his latest column and trying to find jokes in there was the last straw; there’s nothing that we can write that can even remotely come close to highlighting the mediocre thought processes on display. By just mentioning his name we’re giving him more validity than he deserves.

At least with his peers there’s a glimmer of humanity within which you can have some fun; Melanie Phillips may be batshit insane but laughs can still be gleamed from her paranoid ravings about Zionist lesbians destroying Gardeners World, and the appearance of Simon Heffer has brought some good old-fashioned xenophobia back to the table.

The other columnists seem to actually believe the tripe they spew out, but with Littlejohn it’s just a white noise of misdirected hate. I’m not even entirely sure he exists anymore; like the Dread Pirate Roberts he’s replaced every few years by a junior intern – paid to collide two week old news stories together through the filter of illiterate reader suggestions or the prism of Fox News.

He’s clearly not trying anymore, and if he’s not going to try – then neither are we.

Littlejohn – you are hereby sacked from satire. You’re not welcome anymore. You have become so meta-Poe that you are no longer worth anyone’s attention. We’re ignoring you, and we urge everyone to do the same. We’re going to stop mentioning you, stop reading you, stop discussing you on Facebook and Twitter… we’re letting you slowly waltz off to the Grey Havens to be forever remembered as the man who ate himself.

It’s been a pleasure.

DM

*Exciting new ventures. Yes. Soon. Exciting. Ventures.